On my commute to the lab this morning I read an article on Huffington Post written by a working mom. She took off exactly one day from her job to have her son. She then resumed her job (from home) with the newborn and a 3 year old at home with her. Her employer did not know she was ever pregnant or that she had given birth. She hid it because (a) she wouldn’t get leave anyway and (b) she had already experienced issues with her superiors’ perceptions of her as a working mom. Let me reiterate. This woman pushed a small mammal from her womb, got stitched back up, and resumed her work without them ever knowing she was pregnant or gave birth. She’s been working for a month now postpartum and no one from her job even knows. First off, Kudos to you, Mom. That’s serious hard work. You can find the article here.
I don’t want to comment on society or debate the necessity for paid maternity leave, which this woman does in her article. But what she writes, her experience and her opinion really resonate with me. She writes,
“Stop telling women they can have everything without sacrificing anything. Here’s the truth: You want to have a career and kids? You totally can, but both will suffer. You will never feel like you are devoting enough time to either. You will never feel like you are good enough at either. You will never get time off (at least for the first several years). You will always be choosing between things that need your attention, and you will almost never choose yourself. You will be judged for nearly every move you make and you will never measure up to anyone else’s expectations.”
Ouch. That one really stung, because it’s really very true. I tell myself that I am happy with my life- because I am truly blessed. I have a bachelor’s degree in Molecular Biology and Biochemistry with no student debt. I am pursuing a PhD in Microbiology at a top notch scientific institution that pays me to do research while earning my degree. I have a beautiful, happy, 6 month old, baby girl and a great husband.
Now, let’s just skip the part where we discuss my decision to have a child while being a Graduate Student. It wasn’t planned, but I have always dreamed of having a big family and being a mother, so when it happened there was no question about it- I was ecstatic and being a mom has been my number one priority ever since. Some may ridicule my decision or look down on me because I was lucky enough to be admitted at a great scientific institution and I should capitalize on this opportunity. I need to give it my all, but I can’t anymore. There, I said it. I can’t.
But my advisor had a child while she was a grad student, so it couldn’t be that hard… right? Maybe she is a stronger person than me, maybe she doesn’t require as much sleep as I do, maybe she had a stronger scientific background, maybe she didn’t have a problem accepting more help on the childcare end, I don’t know how she made it work for her. But for me and my little girl? She’s my pride and my joy. She and my husband are everything I have ever wanted and I am lucky enough to have that at 23. Being away from them for 12 hours a day already kills me. “She won’t remember,” my mother tells me. But I do. I remember and I want these memories more than I want to succeed in my own career. Does that make me less of a woman? I have the capacity, the intelligence and the ability to do far more than rear a child, but it’s my hearts joy.
I went into science because I am not rich, I know I need to work. And science is great! It’s interesting and I love puzzles. Research is intriguing, it’s difficult and it’s inspiring. I like what I do in the lab and I love what I study and I know that I can be great- if I put in the time. Graduate school demands your time. It commands your life. It’s not just 10 hours a day at the lab. It spills over into your weekends and your nights- reading, writing, studying, thinking, and planning. When you’re engaged, your research is on your mind 24/7. It’s exhilarating, really. You can feel yourself getting close, the puzzle coming together, the lightbulbs flashing on. I love that feeling.
But now, it’s complicated. I don’t yearn for the bench like I yearn for my family. If I have to choose, I choose them. And I make that decision every night when I get home. My husband picks me up at 6 and I listen to him talk about his day. I feed my baby girl. We lay on the ground and watch her kick and coo and giggle as we tickle her toes.
But I am not a rich person, I know I need to work and I want to work in a research lab. So we part ways every morning at 6:30. I’m at the lab from 8-6, but it’s not enough to keep up. If this program doesn’t work out anymore- if I can’t be in graduate school and enjoy my family… have I wasted my time and energy? Have I wasted my husband’s time and energy? Have I failed?
